the scales that dictate where i am going tomorrow

sa ngayon ako'y isang estudyante, anak, kaibigan, at litratista na masyadong maraming gustong sabihin. it really doesn't sound like a lot when i say it like that, doesn't it? but i've been functioning differently ever since i worked for a month in august. i got really hungry during then. i wanted to bust my ass off making art as soon as i finished, but then i had to focus on college admissions and deal with the process of getting my salary.

i don't know if my evasion from online messaging apps has been good for maintaining healthy relationships with my friends. it probably isn't. it feels like i'm also keeping myself from the opportunity to be more alive and smiling, though this is who i want to be. the goal is not to be unreachable but to be immersed in what's in front of me and not have to wish for the most delightful instances. i should be the one making these things happen. and of course, i'm fucking scared.

i was able to complete a journal in a month. i'd like to know when i'll be able to do that again. sometimes i wonder if you notice the patterns and habits in my writing. i should start reading again. i planned a trip for myself this week. half of it's an adventure, the other is errands. and now i'm second-guessing if i want to spend it alone. to the eyes of some, i am he who is never able to be kept around. always off to somewhere. to me, it is the rising of one scale and drowning of another.