hello nasa batangas ako

do i care enough?

on some evenings, that's the question i find myself trying to come up with an answer to. in a world that thinks only of itself, i want to be its complete opposite for you. i want to listen and pay close attention to every breath you take. i want to look at you with focus on every detail, from the shade of your lips to how the light bounces off the individual strands of your flowing hair, as if i'm painting your portrait. i want to remember like i might forget everything we did when i wake up. i want to bring you the comfort and kindness it has long kept from your heart. i need to make you feel heard, understood, and seen. because i always want to hear from you. i always want to try and understand. and i see you. i feel you. i can never get enough of you. 

i wonder if i ever ask the right questions completely, if i move appropriately, and if i'm liking you correctly.

i hope to see you later. 

elle and gab vlog #1

 maayos n edit soon. wla lng aq magawa ngayon (marami kailangan gawin)

new page!

hi may new page called grezelle's photos 

check it out ^^

i have no religion, but i pray you stay. we don't have to hide. you don't need to run away

ngayon ngayon lang ay pinaalala sa akin na lumipas na ang kung sino tayo noon. nandito parin tayo, pero hindi na ikaw ang kilala ko, at hindi na ako yung kilala mo. ganunpaman, dala dala ko ang kung sino ka noon. kahit wala na siya, siya ay bahagi ng pagkatao ko ngayon. ikaw? dala dala mo rin ba ako? 

if we at the same age met, would we have gotten along? do i make you feel all the good things you make me feel? you're really pushing me. and i feel like i'm getting better. i'm with a desire to learn you. who you are, how it is to be with you, and what the next upcoming changes are. 

i hope i'm

old words natabunan

the original title for this draft was "nothing matters and i will try to do good" hindi ko na aayusin yung laman knowing na maraming mali. though i still might use some of the words for future posts. the draft it contained all the words below. i added the picture just now to make it less boring. enjoy.

i'm a few days away from several changes to come to this life. i'm 175,000 decisions away from heaven and hell when i wrote this draft. now i'm 70,000 decisions shy of another peak of my emotions. do i want to be happy? or do i want to be me? do i want to improve entirely? or do i focus on the things that matter to me? i want so many things, but i'm only working for a few. maybe i shouldn't bother trying something new anytime soon. maybe i want an economically simple life. maybe being very rich has fallen from my dreams. i could never have enough money and i've never had enough to begin with. am i afraid of the change i have to undergo to live the life they want for me? am i afraid of the change i have to undergo to live the life that i want for myself? am i purely in denial just because i'm lazy?

i am too pretentious at times. i do believe that being pretentious is a good step to take in becoming who you'd want to be, but it has to be something you completely have your faith in. i no longer view myself as a horrible person, but being decent is hard to maintain at times. i still think mas marami akong salita kesa gawa at sa umpisa ako pinaka-magaling. i don't know if trying to be a good person is enough to take me where i want to go.

haharapin ko ang landas na pinili ko para sa sarili ko. pagbubutihin ko hanggang sa aking makakaya. i'm bound to do something great. hindi ako sisikat, pero gagawa ako ng bagay na ang halaga'y hindi maitatanggi ng makakaranas at makakakita.

i often forget who i have been and i panic to remember what has been said about someone who no longer exists. 

you told me you couldn't let me stop studying because you see so much potential in me. 

and you told me my work was brilliant. that i should always try anyway. 

and you told me i'm the best friend. 

and you told me to keep going and choose life. 

and you asked me if i wanted to go home. 

and you told me i should get my life back together and be who i am.

and you told me you thought i was strong, but that you were wrong. 

and you told me you were scared i'd change. 

and you said i was one of a kind. 

and you said you hoped someone would say these lines to me. 

and you said i deserved better. i deserved more.

and you said i should stop putting all this pressure on myself.

and you said that you'll always believe in me.

and you said i was good. 

i no longer know where most of you are. i no longer ask. 

i cleaned up

took down photographs

unscrewed hooks

gathered my papers

and left the window open

did the sky always get this dark?

the floor is awfully comfortable and cold

i don't go out into the sun anymore

flourescent light does not hurt my eyes 

this week i took my first college entrance exam, passed my midterms, and confessed to the girl i have a big crush on.

next week i'm going back to the hospital where i worked.

i will forever be embarrassed of parts of myself. there are always parts of myself that i have learned to love and embrace like my cringe and the fact that i always look tired. i did not always embrace those parts and i spent a long time being insecure about them. now other traits fill their place in being the "embarrassing parts" like how i look when i eat and how i generally walk around and explore places and shops. i find it interesting how i will never stop learning to accept and love these things about myself and at the same time gain awareness of old mannerisms and discover new attitudes to be embarrassed of. 

i don't remember if i got to say this about your comment regarding your writing. you are not pretentious. you are not a fraud. your work reaches the status of art due to the fact that it does not admit defeat and pushes through the toughest of storms. it sees through the rain and feels the warm sun. it finds enthusiasm in its discomfort and anticipates the embrace of home. we write about being happy while we're sad. we write about being sad when we're happy. i can barely even write when i'm happy we are all that we write, just not always. and that's precisely what makes everything worth writing down on worn-down paper or newly added note files.

always, but not all the time

the charm of bootleg products. 

someone thought it would be a good idea. it is someone's livelihood.

sometimes i get sad when i see a small business. 

you were in my dream. i do not remember the context, but you were there. or i was looking for you. i had a suit on and i was in cubao. i could tell it was late cause i was panicking na sarado na yung mrt and i would have to run to the edsa carousel bus stop. i was worrying about looking presentable. yun lng maalala ko whdbshdbwh

ghost spaces. moments that are not for us to see.

imagine gaano karaming lugar ngayon yung walang kabuhay buhay. lahat ng moments na walang witness. i know humans have only been around for so long, but i'm talking about the mundane stuff. yung kwarto mo pag umalis ka na for the day, kamusta siya sa buong araw na wala ka? ano mga nangyari sa alikabok na palipad lipad lang? who knows about what happens in these places when no humans are around? when no eyes are there to stare.

you were in my dream. you were wearing your uniform. i reached and held your hand and we ran. we were trying to catch a place before it closed or completely went away. it was very quiet and i could hear everything from our clothes rustling from running, how our shoes scraped the rough concrete floor with every step, how we were actively trying to catch our breath. i couldn't tell specifically where we were because the world shined a slightly blue tinted light. all i could see perfectly was you being there with me.

lia guitarrrr

kasama to sa setlist pag nakapag-busk na ako. baka naman sa 2025 magawa ko na yun. 

ang pinaka-napaka-masayang date

labas tayooo! umaga sana. mag-almusal ka muna at mag-ayos. sunduin kita sainyo tapos biyahe tayo papunta sa una nating destination. inaantok ka pa ba? sandal ka nalang sakin kung gusto mo muna pumikit. suportahan ko ulo mo kung maalog ang biyahe. kumusta ka naman? naging sapat ba ang tulog mo? sana naman hindi ka nagmadali sa pag-aayos mo. mabuti nalang hindi gaano traffic ngayon. sa palagay ko sakto lang yung magiging dating natin sa una nating destination. oh diba? nandito na tayo agad mwehehe. let's spend a lot of time here. maaliwalas pala talaga dito, no? ang sarap ng hangin at magaan ang paligid. okay ka lang ba? hindi naman na siguro masyadong maaga para mag ice cream tayo, no? bili muna tayo, kumain, at maupo. simulan na natin ang mga kwento mula sa nakaraan natin. tututukan ko ang bawat kwento mo at pipiliting makabisado agad. sana hindi ka magtaka kung maglalabas ako ng papel at isusulat ko ang ilang detalye na sasabihin mo. kapag nabored na tayo, let's walk to somewhere else. baka sa paglalakad natin through the crowds maging silent tayo for a time. it's okay for me. i hope it's okay for you. i always loved our comfortable silence. sometimes i just want to focus on the sound of your breathing. i want to listen to how the soul so bewitching is alive and its physical being's working just fine. i'm pretty sure one of us is about to say something. i can't wait to hear what you might say. i might bring up a memory i have of the places we come accross if i've been there before. or i might say something out of pocket that may or may not be beyond our boundaries. you already know by now that i'll tell you anything. but you don't have to say anything.

let's have lunch somewhere cheap and tasty. saan gusto mo? meron ka bang specific na cravings recently? okay lang kung abutin tayo ng matagal sa pagpili ng kakainan, basta gusto nating dalawa yung pipiliin natin. ako na mag-oorder kung marami tayo kasabay kumuha ng upuan. magpahinga ka nalang muna dyan. we can freshen up in the restroom before we eat. magkatabi ba tayo ngayon or magkatapat? mas masaya ako kapag katabi kita, pero mas madali ka kuhanan ng litrato kapag magkatapat tayo. wag ka na sana mahiya pag tinututok ko sayo ang camera. alam ko na may specific na itsura ka kung saan confident ka makuhanan ng litrato, pero sana maintindihan mo na lahat ng anggulo mo'y maganda. sana makita mo rin yun. sana maipakita ko sayo yun. pahinga lang tayo saglit pagkatapos kumain at ituloy na natin ang paglakbay. nabusog ka ba? inaantok na ata ako bwahaha. joke lang.

ang bait talaga ng panahon. mabuting magpayong tayo, pero hindi naman gaano matindi ang sikat ng araw. aling museum ang pupuntahan natin ngayon? doon ba tayo sa parehas nating hindi pa napuntahan? feeling ko kahit alin naman piliin natin may makikita tayong magugustuhan natin. sakto! wala masyadong tao sa museum. maliban sa mga empleyado nito, parang ikaw at ako lang ang nandito. waw, ang ganda nga ng painting na yan. ano nagustuhan mo dyan? ano yung mga iniisip mo sa mga nakikita mo na art? ano kaya yung mga una mong napapansin sa bawat litrato? ito naman yung nagustuhan ko. magkano kaya to? 

paunti-unti na lumulubog ang araw paglabas natin ng museum so we find a comfortable place to sit muna. nakakapagod rin yung mga nagawa natin so far. when we catch our breath, can you tell me something? can you not stop talking? i'll listen to everything. i might not be able to say much, but i hold everything we share close to heart. let's show each other photos of our old selves and of the people we love. i like to imagine myself being fully integrated into your world. i like to hope i can belong to you.

bwahah gutom ka na rin? dinner na tayo. yung malapit nalang siguro sa sakayan para dere-deretso na tayo after? kung kanina magkatabi tayo, magtapat naman tayo ngayon. kung kanina magkatapat tayo, magtabi naman tayo. baka paubos na lakas natin nito at hindi na ganun katindi ang mga tawanan natin, pero alam natin kung gaano kasaya ang oras na inaksaya nating dalawa. kain lang tayo at balikan na rin kaunti sa isip natin ang mga pinagdaanan natin ngayong araw. check na rin natin mga notifications sa mga cellphone natin. kung may naiisip ka sabihin sana sasabihin mo agad. kapag okay ka na, biyahe na tayo pauwi. hatid kita ha? kung sa jeep, upo tayo sa paborito mong pwesto. hindi mo naman ata paborito talaga yun, pero halos nandun tayo palagi. kung sa bus, ikaw sa bintana at kung punuan, ako ang tatayo sa tabi mo. kung sa tren at punuan parin, sakin ka nalang kumapit kung nangangalay ang mga braso mo. sorry nalang kung parehas tayo bumagsak sa biglaang pag-andar niya hahahaha joke lng. sandal ka na kung inaantok ka na. sandal ka at sasandal din ako. kapag nakasandal ka sakin, halata ba na mukha akong ewan na pinipilit hindi igalaw ang katawan? pinapakalma ko rin paghinga ko para relax ka lang. 'pag malapit na tayo sainyo, magpapasalamat na ako para sa araw na 'to. alam mo naman na siguro yung mga masasabi ko. sobrang thankful ko, sobrang saya ko. alam mo rin sana na laging totoo yun. pagdating natin sa kanto mo malamang pawis pawis na ulit ako at malalim na ang mga mata. ikaw naman ay walang kupas. muli akong magpapasalamat para sa buong araw na ako ang pinili mong makasama. asahan mo na may gagawin ako sa mga resibo natin at mga litrato mo. ipapadala ko nalang kapag na-edit na. sige na babiyahe na ako, pero pahingi muna yakap para mabilis lakad ko papunta sa sakayan dahil sa kilig. sasabihan kita pag nakasakay na ako ng jeep, nakalipat sa FX, at pag nakarating na sa bahay. ako ang pinaka-masayang nilalang sa buong mundo ngayon. sasabog na ang puso ko. hindi ko na kakayanin pa ayusin ang mga gamit sa bag ko pag-uwi at mukhang ako lang mismo ang kaya ko ayusin at linisin para makahiga na agad. 

minsan kinakabahan ako kung naririnig mo ba ang damdamin ko, kung naririnig mo ang mga gusto niyang itanong sayo. can i hold your hand as we go? can i copy your footsteps as we walk? i think we look cute together and i can't believe i'm here with you. nako andami niyang arte na ganyan. hindi niya pa alam kung kelan ang panahon natin para sa mga ganung bagay, pero naniniwala siya na dadating din ang tamang panahon. aaminin ko nga lang na iniisip niya minsan na sana malapit na yun bwahaha. 

napansin ko na sa tuwing magkasama tayo, hindi ako kasing alisto kumpara sa mga lakad ko mag-isa. hindi ko nakikita lahat ng detalye na kadalasang kinahihiligan ko. napagtanto ko nalang na madalas ay nasayo na ang tingin ko. pinipilit ko kabisaduhin ang hugis ng mukha mo, paano lumilipad ang bangs mo, paano ka natutuwa sa mga ulap sa langit, paano ka natatapilok sa mga bato sa kalsada (hahaha), at kung ano ano pa. 

hindi ko alam kung masasabi ko 'to sa'yo, pero nothing has to change after this. nothing has to happen. we don't have to change. just please, don't hate it. please don't hate it. i am just so lucky, and i won't deny that i fear all this luck will run out.

i edited this from my august journal. it has not happened and i am not letting it affect my life in any unrealistic and/or negative way. maraming mali sa grammar and sa paggamit ng present & future tense, but pagod n aqqqq. furgetaboutit.