CHRISTMAS CARD 2024

late na 'to bwahaha. but merry christmas, guys<3 i got to make a christmas card this year. it's so ugly, i love it.

murr chrsiwamts from us<3

blog comeback!

kunwari pa ako sa title ng post na 'to, but this will be my last blog post this year from all the familiar places i have ever been to. today i will venture into uncharted territory and i can't wait to share it with you guys. belated merry christmas! did you have a good one? i hope you're looking forward to the new year.

i'm sharing a couple cool photographs for no reason at all:

i miss her already </3

wala pa palang recap post yung blog for this year bwahahaha. i'll see if i can post one before the year ends. ingat kayo!

merry christmas and happy new year

next year na ata ako babalik dyan. may mga sinabi sakin na nakapag-pabago ng isip ko tungkol sa dumadalas na mga bisita ko sayo. i've been thinking of you too much, and i wasn't even in the picture when it all came down. i needed a reality check and i know you already have nothing to worry about. maybe i'll see you on your birthday, but who knows? i grew up asking what was wrong with me and why i always ended up alone, pushed away, and unwanted. i'm done asking. i would be lying if i said that i now believed that nothing is wrong with me, but i have come so far from all the self-hatred i built from growing up in this... situation. i'm grown up and my heart got so big it regularly swallows worry with no leftovers. it's never fair to argue with ghosts, but did you ever really listen?

dream

we were the owners and on-hand directors ng isang building. it felt like a shelter, a refuge for those struggling or just needing a helping hand. i walked around the halls of the place and found that may mga rooms na buhay na buhay dahil sa events and may mga rooms with lined up beds kung san nag stay ang mga guests. the place was really alive and palipat-lipat ako from one place to another para mag asikaso ng bagay bagay. it felt like the building was effective and we were making a difference. i went outside the building to check sa mga people na kararating lang ng shelter para ma-orient and para magpaalam sa mga guests na paalis. i talked to a couple older than us. they seemed like nice people. i noticed our building was along a main road sa isang bayan somewhere in the province. and then nung pagbalik ko sa loob ng building, i found you. nakatulog ka in one of the rooms with beds for the guests. it looked as though you really didn't want to fall asleep. kararating mo lang at the time and i assumed you came from an outreach or a different off-site project. seeing how you were so tired, i just laid down with you kahit hindi pa matino pwesto mo. ginising kita onti para ma-adjust pwesto mo into something more comfortable then i became the big spoon. it all felt so good. like we were right where we needed to be, doing what we always wanted to do.

uncoordinated watercolor paintings on a rainy sunday evening (collaboration)

us

us

me

her

me

her

us

hello gusto ko na umuwi

 

hello nasa batangas ako

do i care enough?

on some evenings, that's the question i find myself trying to come up with an answer to. in a world that thinks only of itself, i want to be its complete opposite for you. i want to listen and pay close attention to every breath you take. i want to look at you with focus on every detail, from the shade of your lips to how the light bounces off the individual strands of your flowing hair, as if i'm painting your portrait. i want to remember like i might forget everything we did when i wake up. i want to bring you the comfort and kindness it has long kept from your heart. i need to make you feel heard, understood, and seen. because i always want to hear from you. i always want to try and understand. and i see you. i feel you. i can never get enough of you. 

i wonder if i ever ask the right questions completely, if i move appropriately, and if i'm liking you correctly.

i hope to see you later. 

elle and gab vlog #1

 maayos n edit soon. wla lng aq magawa ngayon (marami kailangan gawin)

new page!

hi may new page called grezelle's photos 

check it out ^^

i have no religion, but i pray you stay. we don't have to hide. you don't need to run away

ngayon ngayon lang ay pinaalala sa akin na lumipas na ang kung sino tayo noon. nandito parin tayo, pero hindi na ikaw ang kilala ko, at hindi na ako yung kilala mo. ganunpaman, dala dala ko ang kung sino ka noon. kahit wala na siya, siya ay bahagi ng pagkatao ko ngayon. ikaw? dala dala mo rin ba ako? 

if we at the same age met, would we have gotten along? do i make you feel all the good things you make me feel? you're really pushing me. and i feel like i'm getting better. i'm with a desire to learn you. who you are, how it is to be with you, and what the next upcoming changes are. 

i hope i'm

old words natabunan

the original title for this draft was "nothing matters and i will try to do good" hindi ko na aayusin yung laman knowing na maraming mali. though i still might use some of the words for future posts. the draft it contained all the words below. i added the picture just now to make it less boring. enjoy.

i'm a few days away from several changes to come to this life. i'm 175,000 decisions away from heaven and hell when i wrote this draft. now i'm 70,000 decisions shy of another peak of my emotions. do i want to be happy? or do i want to be me? do i want to improve entirely? or do i focus on the things that matter to me? i want so many things, but i'm only working for a few. maybe i shouldn't bother trying something new anytime soon. maybe i want an economically simple life. maybe being very rich has fallen from my dreams. i could never have enough money and i've never had enough to begin with. am i afraid of the change i have to undergo to live the life they want for me? am i afraid of the change i have to undergo to live the life that i want for myself? am i purely in denial just because i'm lazy?

i am too pretentious at times. i do believe that being pretentious is a good step to take in becoming who you'd want to be, but it has to be something you completely have your faith in. i no longer view myself as a horrible person, but being decent is hard to maintain at times. i still think mas marami akong salita kesa gawa at sa umpisa ako pinaka-magaling. i don't know if trying to be a good person is enough to take me where i want to go.

haharapin ko ang landas na pinili ko para sa sarili ko. pagbubutihin ko hanggang sa aking makakaya. i'm bound to do something great. hindi ako sisikat, pero gagawa ako ng bagay na ang halaga'y hindi maitatanggi ng makakaranas at makakakita.

i often forget who i have been and i panic to remember what has been said about someone who no longer exists. 

you told me you couldn't let me stop studying because you see so much potential in me. 

and you told me my work was brilliant. that i should always try anyway. 

and you told me i'm the best friend. 

and you told me to keep going and choose life. 

and you asked me if i wanted to go home. 

and you told me i should get my life back together and be who i am.

and you told me you thought i was strong, but that you were wrong. 

and you told me you were scared i'd change. 

and you said i was one of a kind. 

and you said you hoped someone would say these lines to me. 

and you said i deserved better. i deserved more.

and you said i should stop putting all this pressure on myself.

and you said that you'll always believe in me.

and you said i was good. 

i no longer know where most of you are. i no longer ask. 

i cleaned up

took down photographs

unscrewed hooks

gathered my papers

and left the window open

did the sky always get this dark?

the floor is awfully comfortable and cold

i don't go out into the sun anymore

flourescent light does not hurt my eyes 

this week i took my first college entrance exam, passed my midterms, and confessed to the girl i have a big crush on.

next week i'm going back to the hospital where i worked.

i will forever be embarrassed of parts of myself. there are always parts of myself that i have learned to love and embrace like my cringe and the fact that i always look tired. i did not always embrace those parts and i spent a long time being insecure about them. now other traits fill their place in being the "embarrassing parts" like how i look when i eat and how i generally walk around and explore places and shops. i find it interesting how i will never stop learning to accept and love these things about myself and at the same time gain awareness of old mannerisms and discover new attitudes to be embarrassed of. 

i don't remember if i got to say this about your comment regarding your writing. you are not pretentious. you are not a fraud. your work reaches the status of art due to the fact that it does not admit defeat and pushes through the toughest of storms. it sees through the rain and feels the warm sun. it finds enthusiasm in its discomfort and anticipates the embrace of home. we write about being happy while we're sad. we write about being sad when we're happy. i can barely even write when i'm happy we are all that we write, just not always. and that's precisely what makes everything worth writing down on worn-down paper or newly added note files.

always, but not all the time

the charm of bootleg products. 

someone thought it would be a good idea. it is someone's livelihood.

sometimes i get sad when i see a small business. 

you were in my dream. i do not remember the context, but you were there. or i was looking for you. i had a suit on and i was in cubao. i could tell it was late cause i was panicking na sarado na yung mrt and i would have to run to the edsa carousel bus stop. i was worrying about looking presentable. yun lng maalala ko whdbshdbwh

ghost spaces. moments that are not for us to see.

imagine gaano karaming lugar ngayon yung walang kabuhay buhay. lahat ng moments na walang witness. i know humans have only been around for so long, but i'm talking about the mundane stuff. yung kwarto mo pag umalis ka na for the day, kamusta siya sa buong araw na wala ka? ano mga nangyari sa alikabok na palipad lipad lang? who knows about what happens in these places when no humans are around? when no eyes are there to stare.

you were in my dream. you were wearing your uniform. i reached and held your hand and we ran. we were trying to catch a place before it closed or completely went away. it was very quiet and i could hear everything from our clothes rustling from running, how our shoes scraped the rough concrete floor with every step, how we were actively trying to catch our breath. i couldn't tell specifically where we were because the world shined a slightly blue tinted light. all i could see perfectly was you being there with me.

lia guitarrrr

kasama to sa setlist pag nakapag-busk na ako. baka naman sa 2025 magawa ko na yun. 

ang pinaka-napaka-masayang date

labas tayooo! umaga sana. mag-almusal ka muna at mag-ayos. sunduin kita sainyo tapos biyahe tayo papunta sa una nating destination. inaantok ka pa ba? sandal ka nalang sakin kung gusto mo muna pumikit. suportahan ko ulo mo kung maalog ang biyahe. kumusta ka naman? naging sapat ba ang tulog mo? sana naman hindi ka nagmadali sa pag-aayos mo. mabuti nalang hindi gaano traffic ngayon. sa palagay ko sakto lang yung magiging dating natin sa una nating destination. oh diba? nandito na tayo agad mwehehe. let's spend a lot of time here. maaliwalas pala talaga dito, no? ang sarap ng hangin at magaan ang paligid. okay ka lang ba? hindi naman na siguro masyadong maaga para mag ice cream tayo, no? bili muna tayo, kumain, at maupo. simulan na natin ang mga kwento mula sa nakaraan natin. tututukan ko ang bawat kwento mo at pipiliting makabisado agad. sana hindi ka magtaka kung maglalabas ako ng papel at isusulat ko ang ilang detalye na sasabihin mo. kapag nabored na tayo, let's walk to somewhere else. baka sa paglalakad natin through the crowds maging silent tayo for a time. it's okay for me. i hope it's okay for you. i always loved our comfortable silence. sometimes i just want to focus on the sound of your breathing. i want to listen to how the soul so bewitching is alive and its physical being's working just fine. i'm pretty sure one of us is about to say something. i can't wait to hear what you might say. i might bring up a memory i have of the places we come accross if i've been there before. or i might say something out of pocket that may or may not be beyond our boundaries. you already know by now that i'll tell you anything. but you don't have to say anything.

let's have lunch somewhere cheap and tasty. saan gusto mo? meron ka bang specific na cravings recently? okay lang kung abutin tayo ng matagal sa pagpili ng kakainan, basta gusto nating dalawa yung pipiliin natin. ako na mag-oorder kung marami tayo kasabay kumuha ng upuan. magpahinga ka nalang muna dyan. we can freshen up in the restroom before we eat. magkatabi ba tayo ngayon or magkatapat? mas masaya ako kapag katabi kita, pero mas madali ka kuhanan ng litrato kapag magkatapat tayo. wag ka na sana mahiya pag tinututok ko sayo ang camera. alam ko na may specific na itsura ka kung saan confident ka makuhanan ng litrato, pero sana maintindihan mo na lahat ng anggulo mo'y maganda. sana makita mo rin yun. sana maipakita ko sayo yun. pahinga lang tayo saglit pagkatapos kumain at ituloy na natin ang paglakbay. nabusog ka ba? inaantok na ata ako bwahaha. joke lang.

ang bait talaga ng panahon. mabuting magpayong tayo, pero hindi naman gaano matindi ang sikat ng araw. aling museum ang pupuntahan natin ngayon? doon ba tayo sa parehas nating hindi pa napuntahan? feeling ko kahit alin naman piliin natin may makikita tayong magugustuhan natin. sakto! wala masyadong tao sa museum. maliban sa mga empleyado nito, parang ikaw at ako lang ang nandito. waw, ang ganda nga ng painting na yan. ano nagustuhan mo dyan? ano yung mga iniisip mo sa mga nakikita mo na art? ano kaya yung mga una mong napapansin sa bawat litrato? ito naman yung nagustuhan ko. magkano kaya to? 

paunti-unti na lumulubog ang araw paglabas natin ng museum so we find a comfortable place to sit muna. nakakapagod rin yung mga nagawa natin so far. when we catch our breath, can you tell me something? can you not stop talking? i'll listen to everything. i might not be able to say much, but i hold everything we share close to heart. let's show each other photos of our old selves and of the people we love. i like to imagine myself being fully integrated into your world. i like to hope i can belong to you.

bwahah gutom ka na rin? dinner na tayo. yung malapit nalang siguro sa sakayan para dere-deretso na tayo after? kung kanina magkatabi tayo, magtapat naman tayo ngayon. kung kanina magkatapat tayo, magtabi naman tayo. baka paubos na lakas natin nito at hindi na ganun katindi ang mga tawanan natin, pero alam natin kung gaano kasaya ang oras na inaksaya nating dalawa. kain lang tayo at balikan na rin kaunti sa isip natin ang mga pinagdaanan natin ngayong araw. check na rin natin mga notifications sa mga cellphone natin. kung may naiisip ka sabihin sana sasabihin mo agad. kapag okay ka na, biyahe na tayo pauwi. hatid kita ha? kung sa jeep, upo tayo sa paborito mong pwesto. hindi mo naman ata paborito talaga yun, pero halos nandun tayo palagi. kung sa bus, ikaw sa bintana at kung punuan, ako ang tatayo sa tabi mo. kung sa tren at punuan parin, sakin ka nalang kumapit kung nangangalay ang mga braso mo. sorry nalang kung parehas tayo bumagsak sa biglaang pag-andar niya hahahaha joke lng. sandal ka na kung inaantok ka na. sandal ka at sasandal din ako. kapag nakasandal ka sakin, halata ba na mukha akong ewan na pinipilit hindi igalaw ang katawan? pinapakalma ko rin paghinga ko para relax ka lang. 'pag malapit na tayo sainyo, magpapasalamat na ako para sa araw na 'to. alam mo naman na siguro yung mga masasabi ko. sobrang thankful ko, sobrang saya ko. alam mo rin sana na laging totoo yun. pagdating natin sa kanto mo malamang pawis pawis na ulit ako at malalim na ang mga mata. ikaw naman ay walang kupas. muli akong magpapasalamat para sa buong araw na ako ang pinili mong makasama. asahan mo na may gagawin ako sa mga resibo natin at mga litrato mo. ipapadala ko nalang kapag na-edit na. sige na babiyahe na ako, pero pahingi muna yakap para mabilis lakad ko papunta sa sakayan dahil sa kilig. sasabihan kita pag nakasakay na ako ng jeep, nakalipat sa FX, at pag nakarating na sa bahay. ako ang pinaka-masayang nilalang sa buong mundo ngayon. sasabog na ang puso ko. hindi ko na kakayanin pa ayusin ang mga gamit sa bag ko pag-uwi at mukhang ako lang mismo ang kaya ko ayusin at linisin para makahiga na agad. 

minsan kinakabahan ako kung naririnig mo ba ang damdamin ko, kung naririnig mo ang mga gusto niyang itanong sayo. can i hold your hand as we go? can i copy your footsteps as we walk? i think we look cute together and i can't believe i'm here with you. nako andami niyang arte na ganyan. hindi niya pa alam kung kelan ang panahon natin para sa mga ganung bagay, pero naniniwala siya na dadating din ang tamang panahon. aaminin ko nga lang na iniisip niya minsan na sana malapit na yun bwahaha. 

napansin ko na sa tuwing magkasama tayo, hindi ako kasing alisto kumpara sa mga lakad ko mag-isa. hindi ko nakikita lahat ng detalye na kadalasang kinahihiligan ko. napagtanto ko nalang na madalas ay nasayo na ang tingin ko. pinipilit ko kabisaduhin ang hugis ng mukha mo, paano lumilipad ang bangs mo, paano ka natutuwa sa mga ulap sa langit, paano ka natatapilok sa mga bato sa kalsada (hahaha), at kung ano ano pa. 

hindi ko alam kung masasabi ko 'to sa'yo, pero nothing has to change after this. nothing has to happen. we don't have to change. just please, don't hate it. please don't hate it. i am just so lucky, and i won't deny that i fear all this luck will run out.

i edited this from my august journal. it has not happened and i am not letting it affect my life in any unrealistic and/or negative way. maraming mali sa grammar and sa paggamit ng present & future tense, but pagod n aqqqq. furgetaboutit.

quick announcement

added a photo to the page "cnu b yng gab n yn???" and i'll also be posting from my smartphone now. so expect even lower quality blog posts<3

turtol

One Fold at a Time

hello! masaya ako dahil ito ang first event (outside school) kung saan ako ay naging isang official photographer!! i'm so grateful to the Breast Wellness Clinic ng TPDH for inviting me 💖

here are some of my favorite photographs from the event. 

#OneFoldAtATime

#BreastCancerAwareness

BLOG UPDATE!!!

hellooo!! sa wakas na-update ko na yung mga page and fonts ng blog.

i made updates sa:

• banner slideshow
• blog title font
• footer nicknames
• most fonts

and sa following pages:

• cnu b yang gab na yan???
• pique my interest
• photo portfolio
• mga mahalagang tao sa buhay ko
• gumdrop (degen be warned)
• everything i will never get to tell you
• upcoming projects^^

by tomorrow, i'll also be uploading content na nauna mapost sa facebook.

i'll also be looking into putting ads on the blog, pero pag-iisipan ko pa.

thank you for the continued support. stay safe!

i am afraid not of thunder, but the rain

as a child, there's nothing i hoped for more than the rain to stop. the edges of our roof leaked, bringing water down the walls. basins would not have been effective in collecting all the water so we'd put rags and cloth on the floor against the wall hoping it would be enough. sometimes it would, but when powerful typhoons came and the roof's condition got worse, we'd constantly have to mop the floors while the water came pouring down, ruining the paint and leaving bubbles of water between it and the concrete. at times, this would go on for hours and we'd have to move around the furniture and deal with the overwhelming influx of dirty rainwater. it always left a smell of a mix of rust, concrete, dusty rags, and wilted leaves. i was terrified every time, imagining the house filling up with the cold, dirty water and my arms would be too tired from the continuous mopping to try and escape swimming. i never learned how to swim anyway. i couldn't understand how people outside the AM radio didn't loathe the rainy weather because it always meant that i would get wet inside my own home and would smell like what i've described. the roof getting fixed a few years later was what i considered to be the best thing to happen to my life at the time. i've since moved to a different house with no leaks, but in the back of my head, i still feel anxious when it starts to rain.

walang katapusang anything

pls be safe in this weather.

conversations demo

this song is about

link to the song

photo portfolio page update!

switched out 2 photos sa photo portfolio page with newer and (in my opinion) better photos! check em outttt^^

kaw nnmnnnnnn???

hello ako'y nandito muli para ibuhos ang mga naisip ko ngayong araw. ang galing, hindi mo naman ata alam na ganito na tayo kaclose. eh kung kapitbahay ko lng naman ung sementeryo edi naririnig mo na agad yung mga ganitong kwento ko. gusto kong isipin na gumaganda ang buhay ko. kulang na kulang parin ako sa effort, pero paunti-unti nagagampanan at napagbibigyan ko ng panahon ang mga bagay na pinlnano ko noon. hindi mo naman nalaman yung mga plano ko para sa sarili ko, pero noong nagsisimula palang naman ako, hindi ko rin naman akalain na matutupad ko ang mga yun ng ganito. 

masaya ako. takot na takot parin (wlang bago), pero masaya. marami pang mangyayari bago matapos ang buwan na to. i have no idea who i'll be by then. i have no idea who i'll be to them. ang tanging nais ko lang ay maging sapat ako sa mga tatahakin ko. naaalala mo pa ba yung kinwento ko sayo? isa yun sa mga pinaka mahalaga sakin ngayon. ayun din ang talagang nais ko malaman kung ano ang kalalabasan. 

nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na ipagpatuloy ang buhay na ito at gagamitin ko ang panahon ko para tugunan ang mga pangarap ng pusong wasak kabilang ang mga minamahal nito. 

fast-paced comfortably anxious seconds of dripping sweat

it's these redefining moments one dreads and subconsciously anticipates. to be put in scenarios of absolute tension and euphoria. to feel so alive in both the greatest and worst ways. lying therein a balance one is constantly overwhelmed by. the relentless waves impose a revelation that one never wanted balance in the events this journey will take them. one wanted perfection for an imaginary world. a tale no one would care to see. is a deeper understanding of oneself all that is left and meant? are bittersweet stories all one can be a part of? one chooses to be blind to the possibilities laid before them considering one cannot plant their own foot in making their own decisions. is there a greater struggle than knowing what you want but not being able to do anything to acquire it? one lets life take its course and grieves for having no control. one talks with a facade of intellect hiding one's hypocrisy. one asks, "can't forever start sooner?" while praying for most things to be over. one ponders what happens to those who venture in the search for purpose and find the answers to be lacking. where does one go when all else falls to ruin? the sea is so far. the tides are low and no one is waiting.

MERON NA AKONG PANG EXHIBIT

MERON AKONG 7 PICTURE FRAMES NA MAY LAMAN NA AT KULANG NALANG AY PAGSASABITAN. MERON DIN 1 HIDDEN FRAME NA MAKIKITA LAMANG KAPAG ANOOOO BASTA. I'M SO EXCITED AND DUMBFOUNDED KASI NAG-EEXAM DAPAT AKO NGAYON PERO WHOOOOOOOOOO!! PLS KUNG MAY ALAM KAYO NA PADER NA PWEDE PAGSABITAN LET ME KNOW GUSTO KO LANG ISHARE SAINYO ANG LAHAT NG 'TO KASAMA ANG MGA ZINES NA FREE AND I THINK I NOW KNOW SAAN AKO MAGSESETUP NG POP-UP EXHIBIT OK BRB GTG LABLAB

edit ko tong post later pag done na ako sa gawain

ayun na nga ho ano? meron na mga framed works to exhibit. may mga kulang pa para sa pop-up exhibit like yung poster for promotion, free zines (kulang pa copies ko sa bahay), small pieces of art, donation box, feedback form, letter of appreciation to those who will come check out the exhibit, broadcast booth, etc. pero this is a big step to making another dream come true. i really can't wait to be able to share this with you all. although most naman ng laman ng exhibit ay mga napost ko na, i'd like to think kaya ko rin ioffer yung effect na nakakamangha dahil nakikita sila in real life.

nagka-idea na ako sa isang place kung saan pwede itayo ang pop-up, althought it might not be the best in terms of foot traffic and it's quite exposed to the weather. 

i may or may not be on my way to successfully creating a smol exhibit that can be hung anywhere

more details and dum posts soon i'm just too occupied for blogging rn sorry</3 

is this all i can do?

the last day of september

i woke up on the couch. i hate the feeling i always get when i realize i fell asleep and now i woke up with the sky already too bright for my eyes. i always feel like falling asleep on the couch is wrong and in my dazed state, i run down to bed to continue my sleep. i had a long dream that made it seem like i was waking up deep into the afternoon, but i woke up before lunch anyway. i forgot what the dream was about, but it looked to be a funny one. i'm doing research and thinking about changing my sleeping schedule to focus on reviewing for college entrance tests. my family leaves for a bit and i get very productive. i can accomplish so much in my ideal workspace. before i get the chance to have brunch, a strong burning smell makes me think of all the things i'm ready to pack into a bag and save before the house burns down. there's smoke coming out of what i could tell is my neighbor's kitchen. it went on for a few minutes as i and my family discussed what it could be while getting ready to contact the fire department. it was probably just a forgotten stove as the smoke appeared white and the stray cat sleeping on the roof outside their kitchen window looked unbothered as if it was a normal occurrence. brunch was good. and i'm back on the computer doing research. nag post ako sa page. hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan yung mga ganitong post na ang daming pictures, pero at least medyo nasusunod na ulit yung pangalan ng page bwahaha. i can sense my future self cringing over the words i am sharing. manigas ka dyan. i got to pay for one of my exam permits. i have 20 days to prepare, but i should have thought about this sooner. i'm still doing research and i've had my panic attack for the day. gusto ko mag sting. wala na mag ooctober na. i'm quite nervous for this month if i'm being honest, but i am looking forward to all the emotions i am definitely going to drown in. 

osya na marami pa pwede gawin. until next time, september. tnx for being not so bad.

getting used to these visits

is that a good thing? nagpost ako dito about sa mga ibang bagay na pinag-usapan natin, pero the conversation we had unexpectedly took out a few words i did not know i had buried within me. that may have been my first revelation to you. keep it a secret. i'll let the right person know.

some gab rat for ya