blog post #75

working student na ako! unfortunately only for a short time (about a month), but so far i think it's okay to say that it is life-changing. ito na ata yung ano... ano tawag dun basta ito yung point so far na sobrang angat ng responsibilities ko. mahirap para sa may katawan na buto't balat, pero push parin ofc kasi it feels so nice to work for the change i want to see in my life. not like it's the first time to do something like that, pero gets mo naman bakit it feels different. sa hospital ako nagwowork. the commute takes 45 minutes papunta, and around 1 hour and 20 minutes pauwi. i like my bosses kasi mabait sila, they guide me well enough and they don't treat me any differently sa full-time employees. nagkakaglimpse na rin ako sa kung paano rin yung magiging full-time work ko in the future. i told them i wanted to be a nurse or get a job that's about helping others. every day is different sa hospital and my 1hr lunch breaks. kakaiba rin mga biyahe ko minsan. saka ko na kekwento in full detail though. out of the 160 hours i have to complete, i have done 40 so far so the story is far from over. i can only hope that it gets better from here. 

working has brought upon a few changes sa life ko. hindi na ako gaano nagpupuyat dahil 6am ang gising ko sa weekdays. sa days na may pasok ako, half-day ako sa work then uwi then deretso school, but that might change na baka dumeretso na ako sa school and doon nalang mag change, sanitize, and freshen up. yung pagod na dala ng work and school leaves me drained a lot though. wala ako gaano nakakausap recently. i want to talk and be with my friends, but ang hirap maghanap ng time and pag galing ako work and school, gusto ko nalang mag shut down and irritable na ako. di gaano nakakapost. i barely create anything and when i think about creating something, halos blank lang rin ako. ngayong first weekend ko, nabuhayan onti yung creativity and i thought of an idea i would like to execute before the end of the year. iniisip ko minsan pag nagwowork na sana makapag exhibit na rin ako this year at sana maging sobrang saya and perfect ng birthday ko. 

also, i realized how lonely i am. naiisip ko minsan sa biyahe na aside sa nanay ko, kapatid ko, at aso ko, no one really knows what is exactly going on with me most of the time. yeah my friends know kung gaaano ako kabusy lalo now. nagsho-show up din sa mga pagkikita irl kung kaya ng time and energy, pero ang daming thoughts na dumadating at naglalakbay sa utak ko na wala akong napagsasabihan. i just don't know who to share them with. i could share it with friends and i sometimes do, but idk maybe yearning season is strong. 

kahapon hindi ako mapakali. dapat mas productive ako sa oras ko. kahit sabihin ko na sa sunday ako kikilos and dapat ko gawing pahinga ang saturday, it's just so hard to not think about and get overwhelmed of the mountains i have to climb and the rivers i have to cross. i ended up doing a couple things and i created something i'll share here soon. just a small one. 

today i decluttered. habang naglilinis at nagtatabi ng mga anik-anik into a big box, i felt sad at nanghihinayang ako dahil while cleaning, naisip ko na hindi ko pa ata napic yung setup ko before i started removing things. tsaka dapat nag vid ako and ginawa kong vid with commentary yung pagtatabi ng gamit. it felt like i was packing up to move to somewhere new. it breaks my maximalist heart, but it's the right choice. at work i loved completing tasks at desks with so much space, and it triggered my endless need for desk space dito sa bahay resulting in the world's most stressed computer table with so much compacted wood screwed on for additional shelf and desk space. partnerin mo yun sa feeling ko ngayon ng bigtime responsibility and you get big decisions like this. it's time for me to temporarily move on from shaping MY corner in this world. pag nagka-time, tatanggalin ko na rin mga photographs ko na nakahang and posters i printed when i dropped out.

naalala ko tuloy bigla yung time na ininvite ako ng teacher ko magkape noong time na nabalitaan niyang hindi na ako pumapasok. marami kami pinag-usapan and baka nga nasabi ko na to somewhere online, but isa sa mga tumatak sakin is yung difference ng plano namin pagdating sa future when it came to settling down and achieving the peak of existence. he said that he would have people he loved there with him and i said that i would probably be alone. i will work to get to where i want to be. i pray i won't be alone.