old words natabunan

the original title for this draft was "nothing matters and i will try to do good" hindi ko na aayusin yung laman knowing na maraming mali. though i still might use some of the words for future posts. the draft it contained all the words below. i added the picture just now to make it less boring. enjoy.

i'm a few days away from several changes to come to this life. i'm 175,000 decisions away from heaven and hell when i wrote this draft. now i'm 70,000 decisions shy of another peak of my emotions. do i want to be happy? or do i want to be me? do i want to improve entirely? or do i focus on the things that matter to me? i want so many things, but i'm only working for a few. maybe i shouldn't bother trying something new anytime soon. maybe i want an economically simple life. maybe being very rich has fallen from my dreams. i could never have enough money and i've never had enough to begin with. am i afraid of the change i have to undergo to live the life they want for me? am i afraid of the change i have to undergo to live the life that i want for myself? am i purely in denial just because i'm lazy?

i am too pretentious at times. i do believe that being pretentious is a good step to take in becoming who you'd want to be, but it has to be something you completely have your faith in. i no longer view myself as a horrible person, but being decent is hard to maintain at times. i still think mas marami akong salita kesa gawa at sa umpisa ako pinaka-magaling. i don't know if trying to be a good person is enough to take me where i want to go.

haharapin ko ang landas na pinili ko para sa sarili ko. pagbubutihin ko hanggang sa aking makakaya. i'm bound to do something great. hindi ako sisikat, pero gagawa ako ng bagay na ang halaga'y hindi maitatanggi ng makakaranas at makakakita.

i often forget who i have been and i panic to remember what has been said about someone who no longer exists. 

you told me you couldn't let me stop studying because you see so much potential in me. 

and you told me my work was brilliant. that i should always try anyway. 

and you told me i'm the best friend. 

and you told me to keep going and choose life. 

and you asked me if i wanted to go home. 

and you told me i should get my life back together and be who i am.

and you told me you thought i was strong, but that you were wrong. 

and you told me you were scared i'd change. 

and you said i was one of a kind. 

and you said you hoped someone would say these lines to me. 

and you said i deserved better. i deserved more.

and you said i should stop putting all this pressure on myself.

and you said that you'll always believe in me.

and you said i was good. 

i no longer know where most of you are. i no longer ask. 

i cleaned up

took down photographs

unscrewed hooks

gathered my papers

and left the window open

did the sky always get this dark?

the floor is awfully comfortable and cold

i don't go out into the sun anymore

flourescent light does not hurt my eyes 

this week i took my first college entrance exam, passed my midterms, and confessed to the girl i have a big crush on.

next week i'm going back to the hospital where i worked.

i will forever be embarrassed of parts of myself. there are always parts of myself that i have learned to love and embrace like my cringe and the fact that i always look tired. i did not always embrace those parts and i spent a long time being insecure about them. now other traits fill their place in being the "embarrassing parts" like how i look when i eat and how i generally walk around and explore places and shops. i find it interesting how i will never stop learning to accept and love these things about myself and at the same time gain awareness of old mannerisms and discover new attitudes to be embarrassed of. 

i don't remember if i got to say this about your comment regarding your writing. you are not pretentious. you are not a fraud. your work reaches the status of art due to the fact that it does not admit defeat and pushes through the toughest of storms. it sees through the rain and feels the warm sun. it finds enthusiasm in its discomfort and anticipates the embrace of home. we write about being happy while we're sad. we write about being sad when we're happy. i can barely even write when i'm happy we are all that we write, just not always. and that's precisely what makes everything worth writing down on worn-down paper or newly added note files.

always, but not all the time

the charm of bootleg products. 

someone thought it would be a good idea. it is someone's livelihood.

sometimes i get sad when i see a small business. 

you were in my dream. i do not remember the context, but you were there. or i was looking for you. i had a suit on and i was in cubao. i could tell it was late cause i was panicking na sarado na yung mrt and i would have to run to the edsa carousel bus stop. i was worrying about looking presentable. yun lng maalala ko whdbshdbwh

ghost spaces. moments that are not for us to see.

imagine gaano karaming lugar ngayon yung walang kabuhay buhay. lahat ng moments na walang witness. i know humans have only been around for so long, but i'm talking about the mundane stuff. yung kwarto mo pag umalis ka na for the day, kamusta siya sa buong araw na wala ka? ano mga nangyari sa alikabok na palipad lipad lang? who knows about what happens in these places when no humans are around? when no eyes are there to stare.

you were in my dream. you were wearing your uniform. i reached and held your hand and we ran. we were trying to catch a place before it closed or completely went away. it was very quiet and i could hear everything from our clothes rustling from running, how our shoes scraped the rough concrete floor with every step, how we were actively trying to catch our breath. i couldn't tell specifically where we were because the world shined a slightly blue tinted light. all i could see perfectly was you being there with me.